An Ernest Christmas

by Nicola
(South Australia)

"You've got to be kidding me, Stan. When did I do that?" croaked Ernest peering at the blurred figure in the grey cardigan before him.

"Right after you put your carpet slippers on the mantelpiece."

"My slippers are on the mantelpiece?" Ernest rubbed his head. "I wondered where they were this morning." He peered at Stan. "Did I happen to say why I was putting them on the mantelpiece?"

Stan smirked. "You said you couldn't put your socks out for Santa as they had too many holes."

Ernest looked at the tree again. "Is that my tie, Stan? On the angel?"

"After dinner you announced that the angel looked gay. You said it was improperly dressed for the occasion."

"How on earth did I get up there?"

"Me and Arthur gave you a leg up when the nurses weren't looking."

"But why Mabel, Stan, why?" he held his pounding head and groaned, "I feel like I've been drinking all night!"

Stan roared with laughter, "Well the nurses would only let us have fruit punch, so Fred snuck into the kitchen and swiped a couple of bottles of rum."

"Oh he didn't …"

"Oh yes he did. It was a very merry Christmas dinner. Even the nurses joined in with us."

"But I'm not supposed to drink with my medication!"

"And then after we all sang Christmas Carols, you climbed onto the dinner table." Ernest looked horrified as Stan continued. "You dropped your strides and wiggled that skinny arse of yours at Mabel."

"Oh god … I don't remember any of this."

"And that's when it happened." Stan's faded blue eyes twinkled behind his spectacles.

Ernest looked pained. "She keeps looking at me and winking, Stan."

"She's not winking, her glass eye fell out when you two were trying to do the three legged tango."

Ernest mopped his forehead and looked decidedly worried. "In public? Mabel and I? Surely the nurses wouldn't have let us … you know."

"No you old dog, that part came later." Ernest put his head in his hands. Stan could almost swear he heard a sob. "Well, we all assumed so. Nurse Betty said it was ok as you were both consenting adults and after all, it is Christmas."

"But she wasn't in my bed this morning!"

"No of course not. She fell out and had to get wheeled back to her room. Look she's still in her chair now."

Ernest peeked at Mabel. She blew him a kiss.

"Was she hurt?"

"No."

"Then why is she in her wheelchair?"

"Well that's because you wouldn't give her leg back."

"What!"

"After the tango."

"Did it fall off?"

"No. After you climbed off the dinner table, you started to sing "You're all I want for Christmas" and then you got down on one knee, put your hands up her skirt … "

Ernest covered his ears.

Stan tapped him and signalled for him to listen. "You unhooked her artificial leg and proceeded to dance with it." Ernest stared at him, mouth open in shock. "But Mabel said she wanted to dance too. So you stuffed her leg down your jocks, grabbed her around the waist and the two of you tried to dance the tango."

"In my underwear?"

"Well you kept your socks and shirt on too."

"Thank god!"

"And then you stopped under the mistletoe, she pulled out her teeth and … "

"I kissed Mabel!"

"You remember?"

"Oh no! And then, I …"

"Proposed."

An Ernest Christmas

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